ahead

(no subject)

I was cheerfully getting ready to take my son to a halloween party this morning when the phone rang. It's my grandmother and immediately I remember what today is. We have small talk about getting her furniture redone, halloween costumes and what a great time I had visiting her. I hope that we don't have to bring up the subject. She tells me a story about my mother as a child and how beautiful she was as a little girl. At the end of the story grandma starts to cry and I say that I miss her too.

I can't help but wonder what it would be like if she was still here. I've gone through so many rights of passage alone and every time I just try not to think about it. My wedding, my divorce, my other wedding, the birth of my son. Now my son's first birthday is next. I keep hoping that it will get easier but it never does. Eleven years and the feeling that a part of me will always be empty never goes away.

I can still remember the way she would smile at me and brush her hand across my shoulders when she was proud of me. Not to brag but it always seemed as though she was proud. No one else in the world can ever make you feel sure of yourself with one look. You never second guess what is on her mind. You can trust her until the end of time. Once the relationship is gone you can never be exactly the same again.

About nine months before my mom died I was taking a class in college. There was a girl in my class that was there the first day and only that day. We had to go into groups and talk about a strong emotion that you had experienced and how that could be conveyed physically. I was angry with my mom because she was divorcing my dad. The girl in my class said not to be angry because is did no good and if I ever lost her I'd always feel empty after. This girl had just lost her mother two months previous. I never saw that girl again.

Eleven years ago when I got the call that mom was gone I thought of what that girl had said and I wished with every inch of my soul that I could go back and heed her advice. So in honor of my mom, who was no saint but was a wonderful lady despite her minor shortcomings, I urge all people who still have that relationship to pardon any misunderstanding, difference of opinion, or judgment you have. Live everyday for today and celebrate how great it its to be alive! Give your mom a kiss and tell her that she makes you feel good like no one else can. In my own way this is the only way I can still do that.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
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Halloween!

I know it's early to be thinking of this but, I need time to work on it. Any ideas on what Fox should be for his first Halloween besides the obvious? Remember, I can make literally anything (I think?). I need ideas! And accept and enjoy challanges!
  • Current Mood
    energetic energetic
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what a terrible yet good day

Everybody says that when it rains it pours. Unfortunately today someone hit my car. Just what I need. Started out at church this morning. That was Ok. I liked being with people. Then I went to play tennis with some friends and I helped them with their wedding invitations. Still feel heartbroken and don't expect to see that ending soon. Loneliness is my worst enemy.
ahead

what a terrible yet good day

Everybody says that when it rains it pours. Unfortunately today someone hit my car. Just what I need. Started out at church this morning. That was Ok. I liked being with people. Then I went to play tennis with some friends and I helped them with their wedding invitations. Still feel heartbroken and don't expect to see that ending soon. Loneliness is my worst enemy.
ahead

what a terrible yet good day

Everybody says that when it rains it pours. Unfortunately today someone hit my car. Just what I need. Started out at church this morning. That was Ok. I liked being with people. Then I went to play tennis with some friends and I helped them with their wedding invitations. Still feel heartbroken and don't expect to see that ending soon. Loneliness is my worst enemy.
ahead

Life changes

I feel numb and alone. I suppose that somehow I deserve this. I wonder If I will be able to find enough strength to get through this. Currently I can't see how I will get by financially unscathed. I now have twice the responsibility and only half of my mind to get things accomplished. My sister is a great support and Jules is staying with me when she can. Maybe I can try to eat today.
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(no subject)

The Bad News: I had a really nasty day at work. I know that does not pique the interest of many, but it is the full and absolute truth.

The Good News: I found four green beans in my very pathetic garden! Even the lousiest gardeners get a small thrill every once in a while.
ahead

(no subject)

I had a nice day today. I'm currently visiting my sister and dad in Colorado. I took my puppy over to my dad's house and she played with the dogs of my childhood. It was really somthing to see. they played a very spirited game of chase in the back yard. It felt very familiar yet completly alien at the same time. Time changes eveything, yet many things have yet to change.